Our most recent series of pregnancy events has led to many hours of thinking about this question: What kind of parent am I? And (maybe more importantly), What kind of parent can I be? I don't think it always happens that being pregnant inspires people to define themselves as parents, or to really examine their limitations and strengths as a parent (I'm pretty sure when we were pregnant with Asher the only things we were seriously contemplating were which Jelly Cat stuffed animal to buy and whether or not it was worth painting the Iowa City nursery when we knew we'd only be there for 6 weeks), but this pregnancy has has been far from normal and here I find myself, ruminating over the same question, What kind of parent am I?
Of course I'm going to start with my limitations as a mom...because that's just what we do as humans. And for as confident as I am in many areas of my life, it should be no secret that I can tick off about 546 things I wish I had done/could do/would do differently as a mom.
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5 Limitations Off the Top of My Head
1. I spend far too much time on my cell phone (despite recent efforts to not do that).
2. I refuse to play kid music in the car. My limit is about half of one Raffi song before I start fantasizing about hurting Raffi. My kids will be brought up on Macklemore, Johnny Cash, Ray LaMontagne, and Taylor Swift (Asher loooooves T-Swizzle)...until they go to preschool and someone exposes them to 'proper' kid music. And then I will punch that person for ruining my in-the-car time.
3. I hate germs. And not in a 'good for you using a shopping cart cover!' sort of way. In an 'I don't let my son use my toothbrush (and if he does I throw it away)', 'My 2-year old gets in the car after errands and says "HANDS!", a demand for foaming hand sanitizer', 'we don't do playdates at "playplaces" because they are my nightmare', 'Asher barefoot in hotels makes me experience actual anxiety and I have trouble sleeping'... that sort of way. I deny him of normal toddler stuff because I can't get past my fear of exposure to infections (they. are. everywhere.).
4. It's possible I have overcuddled my child. This isn't being said in an "ohhh you, you can't do that, he is so loved!" sort of way. This is in a "no really, I might have overcuddled my child" sort of way. But I've been told that is a normal 'first kid' phenomenon that I won't have to worry about with #2 because I won't have the time, energy, hands, or patience to hold them as much. Stay tuned on that, you know my favorite thing is debunking/truth bombing parenting advice/myths.
5. As a parent I am almost always scared and always worried. There is a difference. Worry is 'why didn't he eat as much today?' , 'does he have a low grade temp?' . 'am I disciplining him enough?'. Scared is "HOLY SHIT ASHER IS STANDING ON THE GLASS PATIO TABLE AGAIN". I have a two year old boy. I'm almost always scared. Everything is a booby trap, enticing my rambunctious, fearless, monkey of a son to climb it, knock it over, hit it, ride it, smash it, jump on it. It would benefit everyone if I could turn it down a notch...I'm working on that...I promise I'll be better in thirty years.
Far from perfect. But the good news is, none of those downfalls affect my ability to parent a second child, or to be an advocate for all of my children (I recently told Ben I want 8, he didn't even respond...apparently me being pregnant is not so fun and relaxing that my partner wants to sign up to do it 6 more times after this...go figure). For all the things I do so, so wrong, I do get some things right. I don't let unvaccinated kids come to playdates or birthday parties. I don't tolerate crappy healthcare... or really crappy anything when it comes to my kids. I have a two-year-old who says Bless You, Please, Thank you, and You're Welcome (doing something right, most adults I know don't do that). I have finally, after two years, learned not to sweat the small stuff (that is, once I determine that it is small stuff, I sweat all stuff until I know what size stuff it is...). And I love, love, love my children.
So. I'm not the best parent, but I'm not the worst. And I am pretty sure that Ben and I (I did not mention Ben's strengths and weaknesses here, but let's just say he is the world's best dad) will be okay as parents.
And I'm pretty sure that I will be booking a beach vacation as a reward for making it through this pregnancy. August 27th... you can't come soon enough.
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