The Overwhelmingness of Being Asher's Mom

Warning: super sappy, goopy, warm fuzzy stuff ahead, if you don't want to read my heart pretty much throwing up words, stop now.

This morning I took Asher to the New Mexico Biopark.  While Albuquerque does a lot wrong (no, really? ...you only ever have really nice things to say about ABQ...), they do this Biopark right.  The aquarium, zoo, and botanical garden are all next to each other and it is the coolest little spot.  To be fair, it might be cooler for me than Asher at this age.  I was the one shouting "TURTLES!" and "DUCKIES!" when the pond-dwelling creatures would come into view.  Let's just say that when Asher is old enough to really enjoy animals and nature, we might as well set up a tent on the grassy knoll ... we will be there all day every day.  

So where is the sappy stuff?  I am often plagued with a certain level of discontentment.  I want to be going back to school, volunteering somewhere, doing something more than what I'm doing in that moment.  That isn't to say I'm unhappy, it's just to say I've learned that I'm a fairly restless being and it takes a lot to make me just sit down and shut up and be incredibly thankful for the people and things that I have.  Not a good quality in a person, but it is what it is.  

But today I was so incredibly overwhelmed with contentedness that I didn't really know what to do with myself.  My chest actually felt tight and I thought, Am I having an anxiety attack? and then realized, no, this is the feeling people have when they say their heart is going to explode (cue the sappy).  Our stroller was parked next to rows of beautiful poppies and reeds, and I was kneeling next to a creek, one hand resting in the dirt for balance and the other one protectively around Asher.  He was completely still.  We were the only people in this remote corner of the park, and it was silent except for birds and buzzing bees and bugs.  Asher was leaned slightly into me, breathing deeply, staring at what was in front of him.  His eyes were huge, checking out the water and the rocks and the dragonflies and the tadpoles.  At first he looked really solemn, the most serious expression on his face.  But then he reached one hand back to grab my shirt and get my attention, pointed with his tiny little finger, and a gigantic smile covered his face as he started cooing and pointing to every new and exciting thing.   And I thought to myself, "This is as good as it gets".  If I could have frozen that feeling and that moment in time and just lived it over and over again, I would have.  Seeing my child stand there in awe of how beautiful and interesting the world is made me, well, there really aren't words.  

It's not rare for me to think "this is the most *blank* I've ever been".  Unfortunately it's usually negative.  Like "this is the most pissed I've ever been" or "this is the most I've ever wanted to fire bomb blah blah blah" (I listen to too much Eminem...really gets the anger juices flowing...).  But today I had the feeling that, "This is the most in love I've ever been".  And it was such an intense feeling because I wasn't just in love with my little boy, I was in love with my husband for co-creating him, in love with our friends and family for providing the support we need to give him the best life we can, and for (again, sappy, I know and I don't care) living in a world filled with so much for him to explore.

Luckily, because that level of sappiness and "her heart grew three sizes that day" mumbo jumbo isn't sustainable, Asher quickly moved on from being a perfect cherub of wonder and goodness to being a perfect example of a 1 year old boy.  He managed to dunk his right leg up to his knee in the dragonfly pond (seriously, where is this kids mom when these things happen?) and then despite being steered in every other direction, crawled over to dirt and mud any chance he got and ended up a dirty, wet, very happy little guy.   

Dragonfly Pond

Full of wonder

Resting

TURTLES!!!!

In Defense of Food (in a way that would make Michael Pollan punch me), Alternate Title: How Being a Mom Has Made Me Less of a Judgy B Word

Jim Gaffigan- McDonalds

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6YDTfEhChgw

Asher and I swung through the McDonald's drive thru on our way home from a play date with Emily & Liam today and it got me thinking...this is the second time in the last 2 weeks that I ordered Asher a happy meal.  I kind of smiled to myself because once upon a time I would have thought to myself, I will never feed my 1 year old fast food and I know that I've judged parents who have done just that.  

But boy oh boy, does having a kid turn everything upside down or what.  Beyond that, having a kid with food issues turns everything WAY upside down.  McDonald's, icecream, and goldfish crackers are my new best friends.  

I'm not saying that Asher will eat crap his whole life or that I only ever feed him crap.  He gets organic yogurt, nitrate free meat (unless he is eating a happy meal), and I have recently learned that if I chop broccoli up into microscopic pieces and mix it into his velveeta shells and cheese he will 'eat vegetables'.  But that's pretty much as good as it gets.

Right now, Asher is afraid of food.  This is a terrible thing to see happen in a 14 months old.  He chokes on solids and while we finally have an appointment scheduled with a therapist at the children's hospital feeding clinic, eating is becoming a more stressful thing for him every day.  If we would let him, he would eat yogurt, applesauce, and smoothies all day-- these things are the consistency that don't lead to aspiration like thin liquids, but he can still swallow them without having to worry about choking on a hunk of food.  He approaches new foods and solid foods cautiously, and will typically refuse them.  Exceptions are mac and cheese, goldfish crackers, and french fries.  These he seems to be comfortable with and will usually, eventually, eat them.  

So today while I was alternating oreo McFlurry bites with beans & rice bites, I couldn't help but marvel a little bit at how I used to be such a judgy jerk about how parents feed their kids.  Not saying all parents have a good excuse for nutritional neglect, but it definitely makes you stop and think about why we do the things we do.  But even if there isn't a medical reason for how/what/why/when we feed our children, I'm learning to stop thinking so much about what other people do.  As long as kids are healthy, who the hell cares how they get to that point?  Not me.  

P.S. If Asher were a completely developmentally normal eater, I would still be letting him eat the crap out of happy meals.  It is a lot of fun watching kids eat food, no matter what that food is.

Day 2 Is Winding Down....

Day 2 of Ben being gone is officially coming to a close (meaning it should be closed, but Asher is still moaning over the monitor...it isn't over until he is fast asleep).

While Ben was at the Institute of Peace all day, I was trying to keep the peace all day.  Asher was a teething handful, but we made it.

After a twenty minute nap (that is short) Asher was up and ready for the rest of the day.  We drove over to Emily & Liam's for a play date.  When we were getting out of the car, there was a problem with the passenger door of the van.  It would open half way then make a terrible noise and spring back to close.  I tried to open it a few more times before deciding to take a closer look.  Which is when I noticed something suspicious (and hilarious).   

It would appear that the tiny dictator shoved his paintbrush scepter into the track.  

We had a lot of fun at Emily's.  It is so nice having a fellow Minnesotan down here in ABQ.  We spent most of our time together talking how much we hate backyards that consist entirely of rock.

Back home... we ended up with 4 hours to kill between the time Ash woke up from his second nap and when it was time for dinner (which means the countdown to bedtime).  You can do all of the following in 4 hours: art, dance party, play the drums, throw balls, take everything out of every cabinet in the house, climb up the stairs and down the stairs and up the stairs and down the stairs and..., go for a walk, check Goodwill for a slide/climber, pick up Ben's birthday present, eat icecream, skype Grandma, tackle Harlan, play with trains, check the mail, read books, empty out every toy basket, practice throwing crayons and cups and cookies and phones, and playing a lot of 'chase'. 

Flying Solo

Well, we've made it one day!  Yesterday Ben left for D.C. in the morning and Asher and I began our five day journey together.  Probably wouldn't be such a task except he is teething like a mofo (which means not just insane anger, very picky eating, and terrible sleeping, but a runny nose and diarrhea to boot).  Ahhh the joys of being a parent :)

Right after we got back from the airport I said to Asher, "Daddy's gone, who's in charge?" and I got this look.  Guess that answers that question.

Asher & Herbert

I'm not sure what makes me happier-- when I get hugs or when Harlan gets hugs.

I swear this was not my idea... he has discovered the swiffer and he LOVES it.

Mac & Cheese face

When I say our 14 month old is teething, I don't mean those pesky little front guys.  Asher is teething his molars.  His TWO YEAR molars.  And he is cutting all of them at the same time.  Poor Asher.  Poor everyone around him.

 Last night brought me right back to 2011, when what you see below was what I would have been doing every evening in Hopkins.  Except Harlan would have been Britches, the Big Bang would have been The Office, and there wouldn't have been a baby drum set in the corner.

My Return to IC

This past week I was in Iowa City.  It was such a great visit and so strange being back in the place Ben and I called home for so long.

I started off the week by meeting up with the Ol' Happy Hour Crew at Blackstone.  Which was awesome.  It was like we'd never left.  

A big thank you to Chad & Michelle for giving me a place to sleep (and a comfy couch to drink wine on when the days would finally come to an end). 

I had something like 12 or 13 presentations/meetings in the two days I was there, but still managed to sneak in some fun when no one was looking (...I can say that because my accomplice was usually my boss).  I work with the most incredible team of people.  

Meanwhile back in Albuquerque...

Ben's mom came down to hang out with Asher during the days and Ben and I cannot thank her enough for taking time out of her busy schedule to make sure Asher didn't kamakaze off the couch or try to ride Harlan or reprogram all of our electronics.   I received a lot of picture updates while I was gone, and Asher was in good hands.  They played outside, went to story time, painted, and participated in what we are calling Asher's 'meals on wheels' program (he only eats if you follow him around and spoon feed him when he feels like it...).  

At story time.

 Listening to stories...

And reunited at last!

Ben leaves tomorrow to spend a week in D.C.  Poor Asher is going to be so confused about what is happening to his family.

For All The Future Masterpieces

Ben & I created our 'Ode to Asher's Art' wall today.  Which involved us making art ourselves... which is always a bonus :)

Fun Friday

It finally happened.  I found us a train table.  I have been hunting for months, biding my time, and then today-- Mr. Blah Blah from Craigslist called me to tell me we could go pick it up.  

Sunglass Silliness

It should be against the rules for moms who are about to leave their children for the first time ever to go to Toys R Us.  Mother's guilt can really do some damage in a toy store.

 Maybe this is normal, but Asher is a crazy person about going outside.  If we let Harlan out and don't also let out Asher, he drops to the floor and starts weeping.  He stands at the window and literally coos and points at everything he can see in the backyard.  When we finally open the door and let him escape, he starts shaking and giggling hysterically.