On Friday, Asher and I both started to get hungry around 9:00 a.m. Well, I suppose I was guessing that Asher was hungry, he can't say "Mom I'm hungry" quite yet. I made that inference after watching him attack the fridge with his baby broom, run in circles in our kitchen screaming "NAAAAANIIIIIIIII!!!!!" (nani=banana), and angrily shake his empty snack container at me chanting "Moah peeez! Moah peez! Moah peez!" (moah peez = more please). So I looked in the cabinets for granola bars or apple sauce or crackers. We had all of it, but I was hungry too and none of those things were calling to me. So I took a minute, amidst the hunger mayhem (e.g. Asher) that was destroying our house on a rampage to find food, and thought about what we should eat.
Street tacos.
The answer was street tacos. So at 9:15 in the morning, I loaded Asher up in the minivan, put a baseball hat on over my unshowered, disheveled hair and we began the 15 minute trek to Taco Cabana (whose web page proudly boasts a patron testimonial "I could eat at Taco Cabana 5 times a week!" -- my rebuttal: you wouldn't do that if you have any interest in avoiding a bathroom emergency...story to follow...).
As we pulled out of our driveway, I was fishing around for a new CD when I found an old mix tape from my youth with the title "Hiphopopotomus" written in my sharpie handwriting. Yahtzee. I estimate the CD had survived since circa 2005. Seconds later Asher and I were bopping our heads to some Black Eyed Peas and NERD.
When we arrived at our destination, I ordered a kids meal with a diet coke (diet coke for me) and three street tacos. We were behind another car, so I turned the music back up so Asher could jam. Our turn came and the woman reached out the window to hand me Asher's kids meal and then gave me this look as she also passed the teeny tiny kids cup of diet coke over. I knew the look, "Not only are you getting your kid greasy tacos for breakfast but you are going to give him caffeine?". I didn't feel like explaining to her that Asher had eaten breakfast at 6 a.m., and this was first lunch, and the caffeine was for me because I'd already been awake for almost four hours and we weren't even close to noon yet... so I just smiled politely and put the diet coke in the cup holder close to Ash (just to poke the bear). (Note: sometimes when I'm not feeling smug or overconfident I will explain to people that the thing that looks like terrible parenting really isn't and here's why... because I'm prone to oversharing, especially with strangers). So while I'm thinking 'I'm so funny and she thinks I'm a bad parent but I'm really not a bad parent', the cd (which is still turned up quite loud) changes songs to Jay-z's "Can I get a...". As soon as I heard the "What" (first word of the song) I knew what was coming, and I couldn't stop it. I had street tacos in one hand and a credit card and wallet in the other and so before I could drop one hand of stuff, the rest of the first sentence had played. I dropped my head in shame. And then the background music started. To my
Now in my defense, I had absolutely no recollection of the unedited version of that song being on this CD. Further in my defense, had I not had my hands full of Taco Cabana-ness Asher would never had heard the first line of the song. And FURTHER in my defense, mistakes happen and at least my child is developing an eclectic taste in music (yeah, I know that last argument was weak, no toddler should ever listen to unedited Jay-z songs, not ever).
I turned the music down and passed the horrified worker my credit card. I could see her mind working as she looked at me. I imagined her thought process: Who is this imposter? What has she done with the good mom who normally drives that minivan, wears a Yale baseball hat, and probably plays disney classics for her child... should I call the police? Is real mom hog tied in the back of the van? This probably isn't even this crazy woman's credit card, she is probably force feeding that kidnapped child greasy tacos and caffeine and paying for it with their parents money that she stole along with the van and the baseball hat and the pile of Eric Carle books on the front seat!". Luckily, she was clearly too afraid of the wild card woman in the drive thru to take action, and Asher and I made it home with our food without any signs of sirens.
...I'm typically skeptical of street food that comes with an overabundance of lime slices...
I feel like they are telling you that it is your responsibility to kill the bacteria that will otherwise food poison you when you eat your food...
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Taco Cabana Story Part II: KARMA
So after Asher and I take down an entire to go bag of Taco Cabana street tacos, he starts rubbing his eyes and whispering "paci". Nap time. I put Ash to bed and sat down to start writing Christmas cards. After about two minutes I can hear him giggling over the monitor. Which either means he is gossiping with his stuffed animals and they are being particularly good conversationalists, or he pooped. I decide to give it a couple more minutes (if he is just jibber jabbering and hasn't pooped he eventually falls asleep...). But then I heard, "Uh oh.... uh oh mommy...uh oh poooooooo uh oh pooooooo". What do I say as I'm running to his room? Oh shit. Of course. Asher had indeed pooped. But he had also taken it upon himself to remove his diaper after pooping, which he had thrown in the middle of the room. While there were little poops littering the ground around the diaper, apparently some had gotten on the crib sheet as well, and he had stomped on it and danced around and there were little poop footprints all over a mint green cotton backdrop. There were tiny poop handprints on the crib railing. And Asher himself was covered in poop. From the bottoms of his feet to his forehead (gross). One thing you figure out quickly as a new parent is how to assess a crisis situation, prioritize action items, and figure out what can wait in about .2 seconds. So off we went to the tub to get the poop off of his face (action item #1). Once Asher was clean, all linens and stuffed animals were removed and tossed into the hallway, the mattress was sprayed and cleaned, the wood crib slats wiped down, and the carpet scrubbed. Then the bed was remade, Asher was reclothed, new stuffed animals were strategically placed in corners, blankets were tucked in around his little body, and Asher finally took his nap.
Lesson learned. The universe smites you a little when you feed your kid tacos and let him listen to Jay-z right before nap time.
...hours later, it was like we had never had an embarassing drive thru
experience followed by a bathroom emergency....
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